| Joshua Alexandr: Suicide In Tiny, Tiny Increments' Journal |
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Joshua Alexandr: Suicide In Tiny, Tiny Increments
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[24 Feb 2006|01:05am] |
What happened to my way with words?
( This used to be me. )
I have no more inspiration.
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[01 Aug 2005|11:20pm] |
I'm so beaten, anymore. I'm so tired, and tattered.
I'm getting out of the Army. I'm moving home and finishing school, and getting the hell out of Pa.
I'm crazy about Kim, but nothing will ever happen.
I miss how I used to write.
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[18 Apr 2005|04:45pm] |
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Sorry folks; I'm out for a month. I'll be back with a monitor, and then shall I share with you some of the things I've been putting on paper the past few weeks.
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[01 Feb 2005|06:21pm] |
Have you ever been very lonely, and tired? I am.
I want to go home a short while, and be in my natural environment for a bit. I miss my dog. I miss my family, and friends.
My knee is severely fucked up. I need surgery.
On the bright side, there is no real bright side. Next week is going to be filled with bullshit. And next month is going to be seriously filled with bullshit.
A lot of my friends are married, and it makes me feel strange. I know in some ways it's really good to be married, and that in others the single life has it's benefits. Still, having someone around that fills the spot of a wife would be nice right about now.
I don't know. I'm just lonely.
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[16 Jan 2005|06:08pm] |
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...It has definitely been a strange weekend on Bourbon street for me. Very strange indeed.
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[29 Dec 2004|01:58am] |
I'm really lonely.
I thought I was better, but I'm not. Not at all. Not one little bit.
I almost killed myself, like.. an hour ago. Laying down, I felt a phantom body next to me; I guess some part of my soul was amputated.
Don't worry, I'm fucking fine. I was drunk at the moment of near-absolution. It's gone. Now I'm just saddened.
I'm really lonely.
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[27 Dec 2004|07:46pm] |
I have had quite the lovely conversation (via AIM) with Eugenia tonight. Thank you.
I was surprised with my honesty with myself, I guess.
( taken from the conversation. )
So there we are.
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| Almost on top. |
[21 Nov 2004|01:42pm] |
I know what I'm going to do with myself, after I get out.
I'm going back to school, and finishing my bachelor's degree.
I will become a school teacher, in North Carolina. And I will write in my spare time. It will be wonderful. I might even find a wife, some time.
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| Slow like Honey. |
[12 Nov 2004|12:30pm] |
This rut is deep, and I don't know if I can claw back out.
But there is a ways to go before I hit bottom. That is the essence of hard-bitten hope.
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[18 Oct 2004|11:06pm] |
I'm so lost.
Not Waving, But Drowning.
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| Old Enough To Know Better, Young Enough To Pretend. |
[10 Oct 2004|04:54pm] |
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"This is the last of my letters..." |
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Have you ever wanted to destroy something, some part of your personality or identity, just to have some obvious emotional wound?
I keep getting this urge.
I mean, physical self-destruction does nothing. It's one person's inability to see that the body is the weakest part of one's self; that really, truly, harming yourself is best done through some matter of self-denial or deprecation. I keep getting this urge.
I feel it often enough when I'm alone.
I've gotten tired of the shallow satisfaction that is temporal physical satisfaction. I do say this here, though in the waking world we all live in, I'm just as addicted as the next wastrel. I wallow in this want and need to have mere tactile,and forever fading fleeting, gratification. I want to be done with it. I've forever wanted to make myself into something more than I think my economic means and societal climate has ever allowed me, and to the degree of realistically attainable success, I think I've done so. But I'm still just a golden leaf hidden under the snowy mantle of winter; I'm held in limbo from being glorified for whatever potential I possess, or let to rot come spring-time.
I suppose isn't a matter of having truly epic aspirations for one's self. Epic in the relativity of them, at least.
That, and I'm lonely. Really lonely. I mean, I've met some very nice women, but it's all too brief for me to even find a fraction of respite in it.
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| Craziness. |
[10 Oct 2004|04:50pm] |
Or
I like that one, because I'll at least have a supa-hott kid, and there is a good chance that Ann Marie will destroy my life. Ha.
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| It burns my eyes.. |
[30 Sep 2004|04:29pm] |
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"And I'm fading, just to let myself go..." |
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I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and it convinced me that deep somewhere, I missed out on her.
I missed out on lazy winter afternoons, where I'd lay in bed, in my underwear with her, and she'd giggle and smile at me. Her hair was like white-blonde verses and sayings that dangled just out of reach; inspiration yet-to-be. In my dreams she can her china-doll skin over my cheeks to wake me, and we fought like a couple to desperate to let one another go.
And that dependence was beautiful.
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[26 Mar 2004|10:55pm] |
I stole this from her
1. When John F. Kennedy was shot (22/11/1963)
This is well beyond my days.
2. When Mt. St. Helens blew (18/5/1980)
Two years too early.
3. When the space shuttle Challenger exploded (28/1/1986)
Probably somewhere in King of Prussia. I was a wee one then.
4. When the 7.1 earthquake hit San Francisco (7/10/1989)
Oak Ridge Elementary school; Miss Moyer's Class. I remember it quite vividly.
5. When the Berlin Wall fell (7/11/1989)
Fuck if I know. The comings and goings of Berlin have never been a giant concern of mine. They have some hot citizens though. Especially Franka Potente (though she needs to gain a little weight).
6. When the Gulf War began (16/1/1991)
Missus Daughbert's class, as taught by Miss Shore, since Missus Daughbert was on maternity leave at the time. Miss Shore rocked the party that rocked the body.
7. When OJ Simpson was chased in his White Bronco (17/6/1994)
I was at home when I heard about it. I even remember the Howard Stern gag that got onto the air. I don't really understand the low-speed chase to this day.
8. When the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was bombed (19/4/1995)
I was home sick, sitting on my couch when it went onto the air. I remember it didn't even connect to me at the time, that the building was bombed, until a few days later.
9. When Princess Di was killed (31/8/1997)
My mom was somewhat upset about it, since she remembered that Princess Diana carried Prince William at the same time that my mother was carrying me. She even showed me all the little bits and pieces that she collected about Diana's pregnancy and motherhood while we were in Britain. I was at home at the time, but it didn't really stick in my mind exactly what I was doing.
10. When the shooting at Columbine occured (25/05/1998)
I was at home from school again; my mother and I watched the news, as the kids that survived were evaced.
11. When Bush was first announced President (7/11/2000)
I was very disappointed, and doing something at school. It fucking ruined my day, especially as the less-than-authentic nature of his election came to light. Goddamn, it still pisses me off.
I'm going to take this moment to appeal to every potential voter for the Green Party out there. Don't do it, please. While I understand Ralph Nader's intentions, and his ideas are good, his timing makes him an enemy of all sane-minded Americans. Few Presidents are more criminal than George W. Bush, and Ralph Nader is in my mind directly responsible for his ascension to office. If Nader doesn't have the common sense to allow a less corrosive President to take office before he goes on his crusade, than I really wish the worst upon him. He's done a lot of good in his life, and I understand that he believes the turmoil in America to be the perfect breeding ground for his break from the two party system, but now is not the time.
12. When the 6.8 earthquake hit Nisqually, WA (28/2/2001)
Uhhhh? What? When?
13. When terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center (11/9/2001)
I was at home. I'd just gotten out of bed, walked out through the kitchen, to my living room, and saw the second plane hit one of the Towers. It was very surreal. I couldn't believe it. I got dressed in relative awe at the strange situations, thinking it to be some sort of supreme accident, and went on in to school. I remember the Katie Couric surmising what model Boeings they were, and Matt Lauer thinking it had to be some sort of accident. There weren't any concrete accusations or terrorism just them. I went to school, and it was one of the only times I ever went to my Child Psychology class. We talked about what it could have been, and by the time time I did arrive at school there was talk of the potential terrorist threat. I remember having a Navy Airman in my class that was still in Active Reserve, and he talked about how he was probably being activated and shipped out post-haste. I never saw him again. Class was quickly cancelled, and we went to the lounge to watch some more of it. We got there while the lounge was empty, but classes quickly cancelled across the campus, and it filled up very quickly. I remember sitting next to a girl from King of Prussia, whom also happened to be in my English class. She was among the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, ever, in person or otherwise. She was visibly upset, because her brother worked in New York, somewhere in the area. It turned out later that he was hurt, but made it out just fine.
14. When Columbia disintegrated during re-entry over Texas. (1/2/2003)
I was at work, and didn't hear about it until I got home.
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[19 Nov 2003|12:45am] |
Life has significantly painful realizations. Probably the worst is that Amy and I really aren't going to work things out. Relationships are dictated by the least interested party, and while I wouldn't confer my foresight as a lack of interest, I know that I need someone with a bit more assertiveness and a lot more availability to spend the rest of my life with. I love her very incredibly dearly, but I guess there's this stain of regret in my throat.
It hurts to think about, really. I loved her more than any other on a very short list, and I share quite a bit of myself with her. I pined and worked and fevered towards this obliviation, and that's the part that tears at me.
The moment that haunts me, breeding dread in the pits of my precognition is when I have to sever this tie that binds. I don't want to let go of all that this need has tried to get me through, and I don't want to give up my childish gallavant, but... I'm not a child, and she still is. And she enjoys still being a child, and I envy that of her. I'm no one to want her to grow up, or change or anything, but I'm not the sort of person to be with a child any longer.
What hurts the most is that I really want to move on so quickly. It feels like glossing over this hallmark, a milestone in my life.
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[18 Nov 2003|12:05am] |
The feeling sort of sinks in when I saw the moon the other night. It was like static inside my skull, effervescent static that eats inward from bone to gray matter.
It wisks me away from everyone else, even when amid thronging friends. It leaves me alone, the feeling of alienation. Deep down inside, I know it's just me too. I know that it's so shallow to share things with others, because there's some depth of identity that cannot be shared in anyway, and that so much of myself is steeped in that very facet of individuality and the reality thereof. That's the rub.
The rub of knowing thyself is knowing that you forever spiral further away from any sort of shared experience. In defining yourself in terms that others cannot fathom, you don't just make yourself truer to yourself, but also set up polyglot barriers to wall-out others. My walls seem to go up so easily, and evermore is seems far too desirable to reinvent myself in some inclusive manner, that the new vessels of my life might interact more readily.
This stems from my own knowledge of my inadequacy, even if it's just a failure at achieving what I want for myself. It's something that needs to be inherently fulfilled within, but I'm beginning to suppose that once the question of self-worth is asked, the answer is always the same. Obviously so. I'm not one for the 'means over ends' argument in this case, either. But I guess that's just me.
So much has changed; so much that now a lot more has to change in order for me to be comfortable. I guess that's the irony of tumult: it's like walking into the woods. Half of the way you're fighting into, and the other half is towards freedom.
P.S. I miss my hands on hips, and I miss dark brown hair.
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